What Silence Means To Me
Now that I am old, I like Silence. It feeds my brain. It gives me time to get there and think and dream and open up a whole vista, a landscape into which I can pour all my anxieties and all my fears and relish the good things that are around.
Silence was the most undesirable state when I was young. It meant isolation.
It meant not being wanted. It meant emptiness because my body was like a well oiled engine revving up ready to go any mileage to escape the silence which I am now learning to cherish, because I can allow the engine to slow down and, just like a speeding car that gets you there on time but misses out the landscape, I can now take my time and observe and see so much more clearly and I am in no hurry to get anywhere.
Yes, it did happen.
You can’t run away.
Walking is a problem
So you might as well stay
You don’t hear too well
And your eyes are dim
You don’t even care if you are fat or thin.
But friendship is what matters.
You crave it more and more.
Did anyone come?
Did anyone call?
Human contact is the real healer
Not words written on screen
That does not bring you nearer.
We have lost real connections
The strings that hold us tight
The real affection is out of sight.
Memories of Childhood and Identity
Who am I?
I am 12 years old.
I am Polish. Look I can dance the Krakowiak.
I can sing:
Ja za wodo ty zawodo jakze jaci buzi podom
I can hear voices:
‘Go away go away – you killed our lord.
Heraus heraus you schmuzig Jude’
Who am I, what have I done???
Run before we kill you we will get you in the end!
Mother, Father where are you?
Become someone else to survive. But who am I?
I am Ruth – No, no, no. I am Irena. I will hide my dark curly hair. I will survive. I will not let Hitler win even though he destroyed everyone I ever had, everyone who cared for me!
Yes, My name is Ruth! I am so happy to be in England. Thank you, thank you for inviting me for tea. Very nice sandwiches.
Very nice cakes.
Yes, yes, thank you very much.
What do I say? How do I say it in English?
I can’t eat any more. What do I say? Oh yes, yes, I know ..to feed, to feed is to take food
Thank you very much, I am really FED UP
Thoughts about Death
I want to die laughing
Not because it’s fun.
Life is full of sorrow and laughter merged into one.
I accumulated many years.
Life was lived to the full.
Sometimes I was wise and sometimes quite a fool.
I gathered some wisdom though never enough
But that’s called living and living is tough.
So, goodbye dear friends. I am off to Mars.
Keep me in your minds and keep me in your hearts.
I have outlived my parents.
I have outlived my son.
I had a long and varied life and sometimes it was fun.
A Question of Time
I am always rushing!
I notice I don’t walk. I run even from one room to another in a hurry.
It is as though I am running out of time.
Time is chasing me. How much time do I have?
I am running out of time, yes. I am running out of life.
I have no time to do the things I want to do because I need time to do them
Even though I have nothing to do today.
But it’s not today I need the time for.
It’s for maybe next week
Or next month and that is the problem.
I might not have the time to do them because I might not be here.
So, even though today is free, I am rushing and chasing
In a hurry to catch up with life.
There is so little time.
Make each moment precious. Savour it while you can.
That’s a lot of bollocks. Just give me time!